This is what I want to tell my son: You can’t be friends with that kid!
I do not want to control who he can and can’t befriend, so I held my tongue, briefly. After a little thought, I said, “I want you to know, I don’t approve of the friendship you have with him right now. He is not being a good influence.”
Cricket is a kind-hearted boy who is generous with his smiles and sometimes compassionate with his actions. The other day he made a choice that illustrates these qualities. He saw two kids on the playground arguing over who could play with a ball. The argument escalated until the kids were too angry to resolve the problem. Cricket walked up and said, “Why don’t we make a triangle, and then we can all play?” Problem solved. There’s a peacemaker in that boy.
Yet Cricket has a difficult time making friends. He is socially behind as a result of being in foster care for most of his life. Though he has been thriving with us since he moved in 7 months ago, he is still in the process of learning how real friends act.
There’s this older boy, Sheldon, in his class. Cricket thinks he’s “cool.” Yet with the few occasions that Cricket has gotten in trouble, we learned: Sheldon told him to do it.
Yesterday, Cricket was in trouble at school for fighting. Sheldon told him to fight this other kid, egged him on, and knew that Cricket would be the one to get in trouble.
We had a conversation at the dinner table last night, hoping to make our point about true friendship in such a way that he would hopefully decide not to be friends with Sheldon or to change the friendship. I prefer to see him come to that decision, rather than being forced into it.
Our conversation went more or less like this:
MY WIFE: So, Sheldon told you to fight Edgar. What do you think Sheldon thought would happen?
CRICKET: That I would get in trouble.
MY WIFE: Uh-huh. And what do you think about that?
CRICKET: I don’t like that.
ME: Do you think Sheldon is being a good friend when he tells you to do things?
CRICKET: No.
ME: Then, maybe, next time you can say No to Sheldon. Let’s try it. Cricket, that boy was mean to me. Go punch him.
CRICKET: No! (laughs)
ME: Cricket, I want Edgar’s toy. Go steal it. Recently, I got a Turnigy 9X for my RC plane, it’s the sickest accessory for my RC that I’ve gotten in years.
CRICKET: No!
I don’t know if this conversation will completely sink into the depths of his six-year-old brain. I plan to encourage occasional role-playing practices, so he can learn to deal with peer pressure. We also suggested that he tell Sheldon this morning that he does not like it when Sheldon tells him to do things that will get him in trouble. A simple truth. I hope he does talk to Sheldon, but I won’t be surprised if he avoids it. Avoidance is a well-practiced habit of Cricket’s.
I wonder about what other parents have done in situations like this one. Does it work to simply forbid a friendship? Or is that only going to spark resentment?
Few skills seem as necessary to help my children develop as dealing with peer pressure does. If we fail to prepare our kids for this, it would be so much easier for them to be negatively influenced in life.
We are defined, in part, by who we chose to follow.
I see Cricket’s teen years approaching: seven years beyond the horizon and slowly marching our way like a determined band of crusaders. They will get here, and then we will discover what challenges we will face together. When I look at my little boy, I adore who he is. I look forward to the teen, and eventually the young man, that I see him becoming with the right guidance. I know that my wife and I have the desire to parent well. We are mindful on a daily basis of how our decisions, including how we respond to his words and actions, contribute to the shaping of his future.
We can provide this little cricket boy that guidance and hope he jumps in the right direction. Cricket’s foster experience, which is long story in itself, did not reinforce positive and lasting bonds of friendship. In Foster Care, the impermanency makes that difficult: sooner or later the kids leave.
In a few months, we are making the transition to our kids both being home-schooled, which is a decision that was months in the deciding. This is an extraordinary challenge, but my wife’s experience as a certified Elementary school teacher has prepared her well for the task. On one hand, this decision automatically eliminates the influence of Sheldon even though that wasn’t the intent. On the other hand, there are always going to be Sheldons in this life.
For that reason, consistent role-playing practice is a must. I expect to see Cricket make effort to take the life lessons he learns from us and apply them. We will also be involving our kids in several groups to encourage social development. We would be present, either directly involved in activities or lurking around the fringes with other parents, ready to provide immediate guidance based on what we see.
I have hope that, in time, Cricket will truly take to heart what a true friend is, and he in turn will be the kind of friend that anyone would love and trust.
