deargoblin Funny Ha-Ha Life

Great Gob, Directions, and Jell-O

Dear Goblin, is God so powerful that he can create a boulder too heavy for him to lift?
-Cgwatson from Wisconsin
I admit I was puzzled by such a question. At first, I worried that even my slick, triple-lobed goblin mind would not be able to answer it, and I would then have to slink off into some dank cave to weep in shame for the rest of my days. Then I remembered that I am not so intellectually limited as humans, and I had a direct line to Gob himself, the Great and Mighty Mightiness of Goditude. (This Gob being the same God you speak of, of course, since there’s only one, and simply one name or face is just not enough for a limitless being.)
So I rang him up with my thoughts, and he promptly answered with a deep and reverberating ‘YO!’ that made even this goblin’s knees quake at the mighty mightiness of it. Wow. Anyway, I said “Oh you, my great Gob of a God, I have a question. I humble myself to ask it. I bend a knee to ask it. Pardon that I don’t bend both knees. My left knee is acting up. But you know that, oh Gob of all.”He replied, “Yes, yes. Now what’s your question?”

I asked him your splendid, though potentially irrelevant question. He didn’t immediately answer, but after a weighty pause said, “You know, I have never tried that. Be right back.” Then he put me on hold, in my mind. With muzak playing. In my mind. Was that necessary? Really?

After a few seconds, I felt suddenly that all of existence was about to end. Like a great tormenting emotion flooding my head, nearly but not completely blocking out the muzak. And then, in the next moment, I was flooded with a sense of power and realization that I was now Gob. That was kind of nice. Scary because of the responsibility, but nice. That impending sense of doom faded away into nothingness, along with the muzak. Never did hear back from him. But I’ll answer your question: Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I can, I’m Gob. But, I’m not in the mood.
With the sincerest of sincerity, yours untruly (and divinely), Dear Goblin
An afterthought by Dear Goblin: Dear Goblin would like you to know that he means absolutely no offense with this post, but actually has a rather hefty appreciation for all faiths on this planet of ours. After all, he’s Gob now and all that. He would also like to say (after I prodded him to actually say it) that he’d rather you not think poorly of me, his blog host. -JPL 

Dear Goblin, Why is it so much more easier to tear open a food container box, rather than follow the “push in here, pull out” directions on the tab where it’s supposed to be opened?
-Rebecky27 from New York

Sprites. They’re in charge of ensuring that those of us who possess magical blood have some kind of amusement when we watch you on HooooMoooo online. Free television shows all about toying with human emotions. What a riot it is. My favorite show is What Animal Would You Change Humans Into? Riot. I vote frog.The sprites are the fairy equivalent of television producers. They’re quite adept at spells that undo the hard work of food production facilities that do, in fact, take the time to make totally open-able boxes. This is one of our very favorite pranks. We LOVE to see humans frustrated. We love it when you tear open a box and the macaroni goes flying every which way. Love it. Don’t judge us too harshly, though. At least we don’t eat you. Most of us, anyway.

If you don’t want to be the butt of our pranks and be a star on HooooMoooo, you’ll have to take a few precautions. Here’s some tips to avoid the most common pranks: 

A. The Prank of Mischievous Boxes and Bags: Scissors. It’s simple. Cut the box. Nothing is more boring than watching a human cut a box or bag open. Nothing spills out!
B. The Prank of Being Stuck Behind A SLOW SLOW Car On A Two-Lane Highway Where Passing Is So Very Illegal: Know that those are not grandparents driving, but sprites in disguise. You need to threaten them with the only thing that scares a sprite: Jell-O. It doesn’t even need to be real. Have a poster board ready with a picture of lime Jell-O on it. Hold it up to your windshield. The sprites will spot it in the rear view mirror, panic, swerve off the highway and crash into a cactus even if you don’t live in cactus territory. The cactus magically appears.
C. The Prank of Making You Think You’ve Gained 5 Pounds In A Day: This is such a classic, that I’m hesitant to tell you how to avoid it. But since the number of humans who take the time to read my fantastic goblin advice column is so small, I’ll indulge you. In order for the Sprites to mess with your mind by messing with your scale, they slip inside the thing with a spell that liquifies them long enough to go in and wreak havoc, then get out. What you wanna do is get the sprites trapped inside, because at that point they’ll be so desperate to get out, especially considering you keep standing on the scale ten times a day, that they won’t mess with you again. Once out, they will stay away forever. At least from your scale. To trap them in your scale requires peanut butter, pretzel sticks, glitter, and thumbtacks. Mix it all together. Open the scale with a screwdriver. Smother the insides with the mixture. Seal it up again. You’re good to go. It won’t mess with your number.Be warned, however, that you might have an ant problem.
With the sincerest of sincerity, yours untruly, Dear Goblin
[Dear Goblin’s name is not actually Dear Goblin. But for now, you may call him that. Though he prefers some anonymity at present, Dear Goblin would like you to know he is a BARGEVARD University graduate, with a degree in Mangling Pixies. This advice column is merely his hobby. Anyone who follows his advice needs to have his or her brain checked. This is Goblin advice, after all. Don’t tell him I said that. I prefer to have my head attached.]

By J. Parrish Lewis

J. Parrish Lewis was born and raised in Maryland. In his youth there, he and his brother had many adventures in the dogwood forests near his home. His nostalgia for these adventures has strongly influenced his characters, their relationships, and their perspective on the world they inhabit. He moved to California’s coast to earn his degree in communications and now lives with his family in the San Joaquin Valley. Lewis is profoundly deaf and uses American Sign Language to communicate. He enjoys hazelnut coffee, captioned movies, and walking his dog.

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