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the space

I did not grow up with religion as part of my life, but with the philosophy of Buddhism. I am thankful for both of those truths, even though now I have not been an atheist for at least fifteen years.

I am thankful for Buddhist thought being one of my guiding posts in life. It is my North Star, pulling me back on course when I have a mind to pay attention to it, which has become increasingly important over the years, especially as a parent.

I am thankful that I did not grow up with religion, because I come to it on my own. It has sometimes been difficult, but the freedom to believe whatever I am going to believe has been as rewarding as an explorer feels when charting a new path through unknown territory. Even though I have a belief in God now that is complicated to explain, (which seems fitting because shouldn’t God be complicated to explain?) prayer has never come easy. It has felt artificial in the few attempts I have made over the years.

I have no aversion to prayer when it is done, or when I truly believe someone is going to pray. I do wish that the common practice of saying “prayers!” would be replaced by a statement like “Going to do that right now!” Or even better: “Last night I prayed that this would happen…” It’s just more real for me that way. When others have asked for prayers online over the years, I have tried to pause and send good thoughts their way, not knowing whether it was doing a single thing.

Recently I have started to truly pray, but it is a little more than that. I have tried to meet God in this space in my mind. I think everyone has this space. This is where you are when you pray, regardless of where your body is.

When I enter this space in my mind, without any intention of this happening, the space is flooded with a sound. A single sound. As a deaf person that has heard, I am familiar enough with sound that I really don’t experience silence anymore, even though all sounds are in my head. In this space, the sound is a low hum that feels like it has always been there.

I found it strange that the sound was there when I started to pray the first time. Then I found it strange that it continues to be there. I cannot turn it off, nor do I want to. I thought about it for quite some time and realized how fitting it seemed. The sound is simply Om. I see it as conditioning the space in my mind where I can meet God.

I am no stranger to Om. It has been represented throughout my life with the common symbol used:

Image courtesy of Layalk in Flickr. Creative Commons image.
Image courtesy of Layalk in Flickr. Creative Commons image.

There are a lot of ways it is explained, but here’s one I like:
“Hindus believe that as creation began, the divine, all-encompassing consciousness took the form of the first and original vibration manifesting as sound “OM”.’ -Wikipedia.

When I hear this in my mind, I feel some measure of peace. Perhaps this is why I am deaf: to be able to hear this, underneath all of life’s distracting sounds.

I try not to pray every time. I’d rather not, for the same reason that I don’t want to ask a family member for something every time I see that person. I don’t want a relationship that feels based on me asking for what I want and hoping to get it, every time.

So sometimes, now, I enter that space of Om in my mind, and just wish God a good day, whatever that means. Or I enter that space, and say thank you. Or I enter that space, and I am wordless because words are not always needed. I wash the dishes. I fold my laundry. I feel present, and I feel presence.

I don’t know if this is always going to be a practice of mine, entering this space of Om. I do hope so, because I feel it enriches my life in an unexpected way.

Perhaps we each need to find our own way of connecting, if that connection is something we seek. I do not believe that God requires we believe in God. We might not always know if it is real, but that’s where faith comes into the picture, and mine is feeling stronger as the years float on.

By J. Parrish Lewis

J. Parrish Lewis was born and raised in Maryland. In his youth there, he and his brother had many adventures in the dogwood forests near his home. His nostalgia for these adventures has strongly influenced his characters, their relationships, and their perspective on the world they inhabit. He moved to California’s coast to earn his degree in communications and now lives with his family in the San Joaquin Valley. Lewis is profoundly deaf and uses American Sign Language to communicate. He enjoys hazelnut coffee, captioned movies, and walking his dog.

4 replies on “the space”

“Hindus believe that as creation began, the divine, all-encompassing consciousness took the form of the first and original vibration manifesting as sound ‘OM’.” – Wikipedia

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” – John 1:1

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