Funny Ha-Ha

Choco Brocco: A review with dismay

chocoWhoever had the gall to conjure up this vile creation that dares call itself a cookie should immediately request an exorcism from the nearest priest. Any will do.

I picked up a package of these dubiously-named Choco Brocco cookies thinking it sounded like the most delicious invention in the food world ever. Chocolate and Broccoli? That’s just a winning recipe right there!

They are an affront to God.

I admit I was lured by the snazzy packaging that had my mouth watering in mere moments. Then my Dad brain kicked into gear and said, “Hey, wait, it’s another way to get some veggies into your kids!” So I popped the package into the cart, grabbed a gallon of Vanilla soymilk for added health, and sped toward the checkout lane.

It wasn’t too long before I was ripping this package open in front of my kids and shouting, “Hey kids! It’s snack time!”

Sadly, my kids hate me now. They’re all scrubbing their tongues with their toothbrushes trying to get the taste out, and a minute or so ago, my oldest said “Why, Daddy, why? You know we eat our veggies AND you know we like our veggies AND you know that broccoli and chocolate are an unholy combination! Why, Daddy?”

The other two just wept, tears mingling with toothpaste.

I’m sorry, kids. Who would’ve thought Choco Broccos would leave out any form of sugar, real or otherwise? Who could have expected the furry texture, the insistent way the cookies seem to clamp onto the roofs of our mouths, the inexplicable drooling that JUST. WON’T. STOP?

Please stop.

The taste will give me nightmares tonight. Bitter, foul, smog-polluted grass is what comes to mind. Our taste buds were dying one by one with each bite.

Not even the vanilla soymilk could save us from the assault on our taste buds. In fact, the soymilk shied away from the cookies when we tried to dunk them into the glass and it got all over the place, adding a bit of a mess to clean up on top of this injustice disguised as a dessert. We ended up having to chase the cookies down with huge swigs of the soymilk, but that was just unpleasant.

I am dismayed and have half a mind to write a letter of complaint to Yukico for this abomination. But since that company doesn’t actually exist there’s no point in such a letter.

I have dumped the rest of the Choco Broccos into the trash. My dog expressed an interest at first, but then ran into the living room whining, with tail tucked in.

I believe we can rate these as a #FAIL.

*Choco Broccos are not real. They don’t exist. But, if you add sugar I will try one.

By J. Parrish Lewis

J. Parrish Lewis was born and raised in Maryland. In his youth there, he and his brother had many adventures in the dogwood forests near his home. His nostalgia for these adventures has strongly influenced his characters, their relationships, and their perspective on the world they inhabit. He moved to California’s coast to earn his degree in communications and now lives with his family in the San Joaquin Valley. Lewis is profoundly deaf and uses American Sign Language to communicate. He enjoys hazelnut coffee, captioned movies, and walking his dog.

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