Funny Ha-Ha

When the deaf community takes over the world!

/////This is TOP SECRET. Do not share./////

Here’s the plan, Stan.

World Domination by the Deaf Community (includes EVERY country, not just America) will commence during Deaf Awareness Week this year. It will be swift, requiring only that we hypnotize all non-signers with our native signed languages while staring deeply into their eyes. The key phrase to repeat that will compel all of them to bend to our will is as follows: “Baseball, sidewalk, hot dog, airplane ….forget that! We’re in charge,cool?”

Like magic, they will all nod.

Image from DavidZydd via
Image from DavidZydd via

We will be kind rulers, of course. We will give everyone cupcakes and puppies.

From the very first day, we’ll fix deaf education by ensuring all deaf and hard of hearing kids have access to every communication option. Sign language will be the foundation, but we don’t need to eliminate anything that works for the deaf children, and each child will get exactly what fits the child. No cookie cutter education.

After we’ve fixed education, we’ll resolve everything else. This may take time because a lot of it got really jumbled over the years, leaving community members by the wayside. Job opportunities, equal access to, well, everything, and even social interactions with hearing people all could use work. We’ll get it done.

But wait, there’s more! (Yes, I needed to say that. I just had to!)

All of that above is predictable. You know we want it. Now, I’m going to list things that you didn’t know are also going to happen:

1. We will all learn every sign language that exists from A to Z. This might take some time.

Yeah, I know. A lot of hearing people think there’s only one sign language. There are 137 documented native signed languages right now, including ASL. We’re going to learn them all when we rule the world. We won’t have much time for other things, so we may have to keep learning while we have our meals and perhaps invent a machine to teach us while we’re sleep. It’s going to be hard, but come on! It’s worth it.

2. Each sign language is assigned to a specific topic. For example, ASL will be assigned to Arts and Literature, BSL to Science, FSL to Math, and so on.

This is going to be one way we use it daily. It just makes sense. Clearly French Sign Language and Math go together like Baguettes and Brie. Don’t argue, just eat this Brie. I have a vegan version, if you like.

3. All TV shows and movies will be captioned. Due to space limitations, the captions will be in the language of whichever country you’re watching the screen in. It’ll also all have the ASL translation, in the corner. (Remember, ASL was assigned to Arts and Literature.)

Yes, captions are still a problem. Not everything on TV is captioned, though it definitely has come a long way from the days when we had to play a mental game of Wheel of Fortune trying to figure out what the missing letters in our captions were, when we watched our favorite show. M*cGuyv**, *ook ou*, it’* a *ad gu*!

Sadly, although the Internet is slowly progressing with adding captions, we’re still left out. A lot. If this was a new invention or something that the kinks just hadn’t been worked out for, we might be more understanding. But the truth is, the tech is there, the know-how is there, but the willingness is not always there. When we rule, it’ll be there. Oh yes.

4. Gallaudet University becomes the new United Nations.

Because why not? Half the room will be full of Deaf Community members, the other half with 137 different interpreters. We will have a blast. Oh yes, we’ll also decide important things. I guess we’d better. I should do some research on those important things and get back to you on that.

5. The White House is still the same White House, but the trees and landscaping will be modified into living handshapes.

When the wind blows strongly, the handshapes will move. This will be slightly eerie, as if Earth is signing to us. I will stay away from the claw 5 handshape.

6. Videophones will be implanted on our wrists. There will be a clock setting for this WP2000. (However, once we’ve realized that using the WPs (Wristphones) is problematic while signing, we will have to have them removed and planted in our feet instead.)

We may need to start wearing sandals. Also, we may need to get used to seeing other people looking like giants, since hovering over our WPs, which for some reason will always be called WPs even after they are implanted in our feet, we will seem like giants to everyone we call. And vice versa. That’s okay, it’ll make us feel tall.

7. Animals will get interpreters. This way we can benefit from their chirping, oinking, barking, and all that jazz.

This will actually be necessary, because we cherish all of our interpreters right now, but since we’re going to slowly get every single person on the planet to use sign language, we want the interpreters to still have jobs. It’s just fair that way. We will be sure to assess each interpreter’s skill set to ensure that none accept an assignment that they are unprepared for. Only the best horse interpreters will interpret for horses and so on. Equine to ASL interpretation is no laughing matter.

8. All clocks will be adapted to take into account Deaf Standard Time (DST). At the end of any event, the clock pauses, so you don’t feel you’re missing anything while you’re saying goodbye to everyone. Once you leave the party, it starts again.

This may take some serious use of science. Applications are currently being accepted from scientists. Preferential treatment WILL be given to those with the last name McFly.

9. We will send a space ship across the galaxy in search of extraterrestrial deaf life forms. ET knows ASL, I hope.

I will be alright if he only knows French Sign Language. We can work it out. Perhaps ET is a CODA. We don’t know, because we never saw his parents communicating with him. It’s entirely possible, because he sure seemed like he could be a signer. Meanwhile, we’ll scour the galaxy and hopefully find that other planets have invented even cooler methods of captioning and perhaps alarm clocks that don’t wake the dead. They should wake the deaf, not the dead.

10. We will all need to wear sunglasses, due to flashing light signalers being installed everywhere for just about everything. Otherwise we’ll suffer from frequent headaches.

This is the only drawback to our ruling. I’m sorry. However, we will have options for rose-tinted, driving glass yellow, or forest green lenses. Our world is about to get more colorful for you.

Well, that’s it. We’re all agreed, right?

Remember, it’ll happen at Deaf Awareness Week this year. Practice your hypnotism, we need every one of you.

By J. Parrish Lewis

J. Parrish Lewis was born and raised in Maryland. In his youth there, he and his brother had many adventures in the dogwood forests near his home. His nostalgia for these adventures has strongly influenced his characters, their relationships, and their perspective on the world they inhabit. He moved to California’s coast to earn his degree in communications and now lives with his family in the San Joaquin Valley. Lewis is profoundly deaf and uses American Sign Language to communicate. He enjoys hazelnut coffee, captioned movies, and walking his dog.

5 replies on “When the deaf community takes over the world!”

That was cool ,except for the blinking lights, they may cause seizures! I wonder what my dog thinks of me…..

Brilliant! Yet u are asking this to be a secret? This is FABulous. Remember “Hands Across America” that we had every deaf/ally/family member take part. Am trying to remember when it was but late in the 1980s that millions formed a human chain across America holding hands for a good 15 minute from New York all the way to California. It was an excellent way to raise awareness on Deaf issues. Why not bring it back and make this “ASL Across America” chain to create MORE awareness?

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