I just wrote a paragraph of this post and then deleted it. Not surprising. I may still keep deleting. It’s
funny sad how I dislike my writing, usually. So rarely satisfied with anything that I write, which, I guess, is pretty much the norm for anyone who cares about being a writer. I lack originality in that characteristic, but on the plus side it means I’ve got plenty of good company out there in the world. It’s such a cliche, though.
This website’s getting cobwebby, dusty, abandoned, nearly forgotten. It’s a dilapidated shack in the leaf-heavy woods, barely noticeable as nature continues to reclaim it. But it’s not you – it’s me – who caused it to be in this state. I had an idea in mind when I revived the idea of having a website, and I realized, after a while, that I didn’t really enjoy my idea anymore. Sometimes ideas are anchors weighing us down. Time to let it go.
I don’t know what that really means, to let go, when I think of this tiny spot of the web that’s my own. What do I want to do with it?
I had a small measure of success, for a time, writing post after post of deaf-centric topics, until I said what I wanted to say and then I didn’t want to say any more. Other things matter. Perhaps they matter more, at least to me, than writing posts that don’t seem to change the minds of those who could change the lives of Deaf individuals for what I think is better. I know, I know very well that everything I wrote comes from my own experiences and my own beliefs of what really does make deaf lives better. I wrote it all anyway, hoping to convince at least a few people to try things another way, so a Deaf child gets the education that’s deserved or the communication at home that truly works.
That didn’t seem to happen. Those who agreed with me shared the posts widely, echoed my thoughts with their own. Those who disagreed, who were usually well-meaning people with their own Deaf children, felt attacked, and in turn needed to attack back. I don’t blame them at all. They love their children and feel they’re doing what’s best for them, and in many cases their children thrive. I felt they forget that just because their children thrived with the choices they made doesn’t mean those same choices would work for most children. In my experience, those successful cases were the rare exceptions. Regardless, I changed no minds where it would have mattered to me. So when when the topics ran out, so did the desire to write any more about these topics.
I threw myself into my fiction, offline, where I feel a love of writing that never happened with my posts here. I work on my stories, my books, and I love what I’m doing even when I’m frustrated and want to chuck the work into the trash and start anew.
Yet I realize, that in today’s world, being here – online – is important. A writer without an online presence is a writer who’ll have a tough time getting work out there and published. So I am here, today at least, to say hello again in my little spot on the web. How very much the spider. Perhaps I’ll lure you with a story or two.
I make no promises for what this website will be. It’s mine, after all, to be whatever I want it to be.
I may even delete this post.